The Words from My Father That Rescued Me during my time as a First-Time Father

"I think I was merely just surviving for a year."

Former Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey thought he would to cope with the difficulties of being a father.

But the actual experience rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Serious health problems around the birth caused his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was thrust into acting as her main carer while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After eleven months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You aren't in a good place. You require support. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now more accustomed to talking about the pressure on mothers and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges new fathers encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to seek assistance

Ryan feels his difficulties are linked to a broader reluctance to open up amongst men, who often internalise damaging ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the harbour wall that just gets hit and stays upright every time."

"It's not a display of failure to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men often don't want to acknowledge they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in front of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the space to take a respite - taking a few days overseas, outside of the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd failed to notice "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and understand his approach to fatherhood.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four.

When he was young Stephen lacked reliable male parenting. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, deep-held emotional pain meant his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to change how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may short-term modify how you are feeling, but they will eventually make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, tell a friend, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the things that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. Examples include going for a run, seeing friends or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mental state is doing.
• Meet other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, as well as the joys, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead offer the safety and emotional guidance he lacked.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the feelings in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men since they acknowledged their struggles, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan says. "I wrote, sometimes I feel like my job is to guide and direct you on life, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning as much as you are through this experience."